"This isn't high school" - Brand New

Breakups are hard. Ending a friendship is a whole different world of awkward clusterfuck. It's one thing to say, "hey, I don't want to bang anymore" and it's a different kind of devastating to tell someone you don't even want to hang out. Not even via social media.

Friendships ebb and flow in tidal ease; they take the shape of the vessel into which they are poured, evaporating over time due to work, school, schedules, distance, kids, relationships, whatever. Left untended, friendships will fizzle, so why is there the need to actively kick someone out of your life?

Because sometimes, people are assholes. And they deserve it. And it's not even really about that. It's about you deserving better.

Many moons ago, I was friends, good friends, with a nice young lad. We clicked instantly. It was that crazy "OMG I know exactly what you mean!" kind of friendship. It was fun and safe and warm and just super nifty. He was one of those genius types, and our conversations would meander for days.

When it all fell apart and I walked away, I was pretty bummed. Then, over time, I wasn't. Because that's how it works.

Years later (which is the same as a few months ago) I received the following message on Facebook and in a moment of weakness I found myself giving a shit again:

If I were to ask you to be my friend again, would you accept? You were one of the most important people in my life in high school. It was so long ago now but I still feel so ashamed over this. I'm so, so, so sorry I treated you this way. I read this exchange every now and then to just to remind myself of it, of you, and of the great wrong I did you. I know how fucking weird, or juvenile, trivial or downright unpleasantly surprising and erratic this might seem to you-I'm aware of the large probability of all those things- and I recall that we met at Steak and Shake and I apologized before, but a thousand apologies aren't enough for this bullshit, and were you to accept them all, this feeling still wouldn't go away. And I wouldn't want it to. I don't want to ever forget what I'm capable of. I don't know what sort of response to expect from this, I really imagine the whole gambit of possibilities, or perhaps there will be absolutely nothing. At this point, it'll be another lesson for me, regardless of what you choose. But I'm intensely interested to find out. I'll take whatever it is with a smile... I'll be thinking of way distant and fonder days, whether that smile be happy or sad. There's so many things I'd like to be able to talk to you about, and I'd really like to rediscover who you are, learn who you've become. Believe me, I know these are a lot of selfish requests I'm making, but all I can do is ask, and see. All my life I've moved around, made new sets of friends, over and over. But you really were one of the best I ever had. Guess I should have thought of that before I performed the greatest act of douchebaggery in my life. I have no defense for that act, but you were, and are, too important to me to not at least try and reach out one more time.

p.s. I'm not drunk or drugged as I write this. Truth is, I haven't felt this clear of mind for a long while. However this plays out, I'll always hope for your happiness.

Well...

First off, bravo. I have always had a flair for the dramatic and I am an absolute sucker for heartfelt mea culpas such as yours. I haven't heard your voice in years, but reading this brings your inflection up, clear as a bell.

Second, I only have a vague idea of your "greatest act of douchebaggery" filed away in my memory. I remember there was a falling out. I remember having a half-assed reconciliation. I think it was a over one of those "my-girlfriend-hates-you-so-I-can't-be-your-friend" things. But then it wasn't that either because you lied about something I think. I had to reread our thread of messages from 2006, the "exchange" you mentioned, and I'm still fuzzy on the details. Unrelated: Facebook saves messages from six years ago even if you have deleted that person. Weird but slightly helpful in this situation.

That might be your answer. I was indeed surprised to hear from you, but I had no idea you'd dug yourself a hole, filled it with anguish and decided to dive in occasionally for the last six years. Why? Because I didn't. I almost feel bad that you feel so bad and I don't feel bad at all. I find it interesting that I haven't thought about this at all and you seem pretty hung up on it.

I am not going to forgive you because I don't think you need it. Once upon a time when you were 18, you decided to end our friendship in favor of getting your dick wet. If that's truly the worst thing you ever do to someone, you are in fact a better person than most people, myself included.

But I hope you forgive yourself. Admittedly, I don't remember all of what happened (which still makes me think it wasn't that bad) but whatever you said or whatever you did couldn't have been that devastating. And if it was, I'm okay now. So you can totally climb down from the cross on which you've hung yourself. You can stop with the Hail Keris. I think the statute of limitations is up on kicking yourself over high school drama.

I hope for your happiness as well. I'm just not sure I'm an ingredient in that recipe anymore. And as far as rediscovering who I am, I am still the queen of second chances. I'm just more of an asshole about it.

Everyone needs (and sometimes deserves) closure. I hope this was yours.