I like these times, the times when I have to be awake four hours from now but I just can't stop facebook stalking or listening to songs that remind me of high school on YouTube. I am drinking soda, typing at my kitchen table, listening to American Dad which is on in my bedroom. It has just occurred to me that I am unaware of how to punctuate titles of television shows, if at all. I am not looking it up because I don't fucking feel like it but for the record, I have an AP stylebook app on my ipod. That's just who I am. When I got my new ipod for Giftmas, I immediately filled it with nerd things.
I like these times because my mind is quieter. I can catch one thought at a time and deal with it. Probably because I am tired and I lifted an approximate ten million pounds at the gym today. That's how my arms feel, anyway. I want some bananas. I find it hard to spell "bananas" without singing that awful Gwen Steffani song. Well, it's not that bad. I say that because I think I have that on my ipod too. Once I saw Bush in concert and I thought they were just stellar and I didn't know the lead singer was married to Gwen. I responded "that shit is bananas" as I was trying to be clever but the person I said this to did not get the "Holla Back Girl" reference and thus my joke fell flat. But I thought it was cute that he didn't get it.
I like these times because I feel more focused on my goals even though I'm too tired or lazy to to do anything about them just yet. In addition to wanting bananas I also want a cigarette. I quit smoking recently, and it's pretty much the worst thing ever. Everyone will tell you that the cravings are a bitch and breaking the habit is fucking hard but you'll start to feel better immediately and that's so great and it's so worth it so keep going, hooray! But what no one tells you is that as soon as you quit smoking, between 72 and 88 things will go horribly wrong. Your car will break down, your mom will be exceptionally cunty, you will fail a math test, you will run into the third machine in your circuit training routine and have a nasty bruise on your thigh, you will be insulted by a girl you barely know at your favorite bar, you will lose one of your coolest earrings and you will inadvertently hurt someone you love and care for deeply. You will try to resist smoking and you will fail.
I like these times because I feel calm in the midst of chaos. I should be a hurricane of clusterfuck right now, but I'm okay. The last time I felt like this, I was shot 390 feet into the air on the ride called The Slingshot in Orlando. Once you get to the top and your stomach slides out of your throat, you free fall and you can see all the lights swirling past you and you can see the ground rushing up to meet you and you feel a little panicked because you have no control over anything. But you also feel weightless and giddy and you can hear the person sitting next to you laughing and it's okay because you're not alone. And then you feel pretty and safe and fun and adventurous and happy and relieved and relaxed and all the good feelings in the world at once.
I like these times because I can feel without being consumed by it. I can think about the times I've been hurt or angered or let down, I can remember feeling slighted or marginalized without it being just as painful as it was the first time. And I think that's important for things like healing and forgiveness. You should acknowledge the shitty things sometimes. Someone ruined your first anniversary? That's sucky. But when I was in Orlando I stepped in gum after getting off The Slingshot. That was also sucky, but it didn't ruin the experience.
I like these times because I let my mind wander but I usually wind up thinking my way back to the same place. Tonight I've started with insomnia and banana cravings and cigarette temptations and gym mishaps and Orlando and music and Rexy and Words With Friends and laundry and subway coupons and my favorite purse and a million other things, and no matter what, for whatever reason, for better or for worse, the last stop on the train of thought is the always the same.
I have to be awake three hours from now, but I can't stop thinking about you.
