It was cold there, colder than I expected. I don't think that's typical, though. I'm not really sure; I'm not good at weather or geography. It was a new place, but it felt familiar. It felt like Sister's college town. It felt relaxed and peaceful like I was when I used to visit her there. How strange that a town can feel like a time.
I barely made it to the place. All I had to do was get to the airport. I checked in to my flight and then checked out almost completely. There are days that I can do my job in my sleep and there are days that I forgo sleep in order to work. The night before my flight was the latter. Sometimes things come up and you just have to put out fires. Even if they aren't your fires. I saw an "All My Sons" moving truck on the highway. I get that. They were all my fires.
Someone told me recently that I make references no one gets. Well, if you didn't get it, it wasn't for you.
All I had to do was get to the airport. It's weird to have so little responsibility these days, to just take care of myself and not much else. I swear I used to take care of other people, and I even think I was good at it. After I got off the plane I barely had to take care of myself. I was given coffee and spoonfuls of peanut butter with bananas and tissues and space.
Not like space space. Just space. I had a space where I put my clothes and a place where I put my jewelry and a room where I set up a workstation and I was more comfortable and productive in that environment than I have been in ages. I did get space space too. I didn't even have to ask for it, I just walked outside and stared at the rosebushes, and when that got too hard I turned the other way and stared at the bricks. Seems like I'm always in between a rose and hard place these days.
I only needed tissues once; I had lots of peanut butter and bananas.
The place has a bar because there's always a bar. And the bartenders were amazing and the patrons were stock characters and all of it was perfect. All bars can be kind of the same if you let them. Hey, how's it going? Oh just one after work. Just one before work. Did you see the game? Someone's salty ex was lurking in the corner. Someone was mourning. Someone was celebrating. Someone was rattling on excitedly while new friends hung on to every Jameson-flavored word.
I drank so much coffee at the place. I drink it at home now, too. I think I am probably trying to recapture the rush, but it's not quite the same. Because it wasn't just the caffeine, was it?
I was lost long before I found the place. I've shed identities and reworked images and curated a collection of sound bytes designed to answer questions without triggering new ones. I like my status reports at work because I don't have to answer things like "how are you doing?" and the equally terrible "oh my god, are you okay?"
I'm fine. All I had to do was get to the airport.
There's a difference between just being lost and knowing without a doubt that you are lost, and I'm so thankful that being lost was shoved in my face that night as we walked home. I never realized how much walking on eggshells can screw up your internal compass. No wonder I wandered so far off track.
By the way, when you imagine walking on eggshells, do you imagine that the eggs are still whole and you're trying not to break them or do you see jagged eggshells pieces that you're trying not to make worse? I mean, at that point the eggs are already cracked. Who are you trying to protect? If you say yourself you are lying, because the answer is to get away from the eggshells or put some fucking shoes on. Maybe that's not fair. Maybe you had a good reason to tread and retread something so broken that used to hold so much promise. I guess there's no right answer.
There are two things I miss. Only two. But I do not miss the eggshells. I do not miss the drama. I do not miss being afraid.
There was drama at the place, too. Because there is always drama. But it wasn't mine, I just got to watch it unfold for someone else. I felt bad about it. Responsible even, but I think that's just the eggshells talking. I don't think it was really my fault.
I was able to reset my nerves in the place. I got jumpy once. I flinched over something stupid, but we talked about it and I immediately felt okay. Safe. Heard. Validated.
I didn't make any decisions in the place. I made suggestions. I vetoed options. But I chose very little. I did come to some conclusions. Some undeniably healthy and some that are a little scary. But I'll think about it a little more each day in a way that is manageable and not my usual method of manic hurriedness. I am really working on breaking my bad habit of trying to solve problems that don't exist yet.
I miss the place for its weather and its quaintness and the quirks of the house but much more than that I miss the person. And the cat, if I'm being completely honest. I miss watching movies and listening to music and making plans and quickly abandoning them to do nothing. I miss talking about work to someone outside of work who shows a genuine interest in what I do. I miss a thousand little things that I keep to myself because they are mine alone to treasure, but are undoubtedly written across my face when I tell stories about the place. I preemptively missed them so much at the end of my five-day trip that I stayed for two weeks instead. It worked out because I got to stay through Thanksgiving and the anniversary of Roland's death, and it was hands down the best Thanksgiving I've had since he died. So yes, I miss the place, but for someone to give me that safe space and encouragement and patience and the drinks and the tissues during The One Good Cry without asking for literally anything in return... well, I owe you forever, I guess.
But really it's not just that person. I appreciate every person who allowed me to check out as soon as I got to the airport. Some people took care of my house and some people left me alone and some people called to catch up and I think generally everyone just understood. It's nice to be unapologetically yourself and have other people try their best to understand.
"Logic only gives a man what he needs. Magic gives him what he wants."
The trip made a lot of sense, but the time was magical.
I found a place. I'm in a good place.
