On Being an Asshole

Do you ever want to rip someone's face off? I mean no holds barred, total annihilation, bitch slap them so hard their grandchildren will feel it kind of thing? I am often overwhelmed with this urge to completely ruin someone's day. I've been told I have anger management issues. I prefer to think I am a normal human being. Well, "normal" might be a stretch, but I think wanting to lash out and verbally rip someone to shreds, either because you can or because they deserve it or both, is typical human behavior.

Sometimes I want to tell my friends that it's not okay to touch music related things in my car. We will listen to my CD of choice or the playlist I made on my iPod or a radio station I like because I am driving and I get to pick the goddamned music. I will try to pick songs we both like, and I will try to avoid the songs that remind you of your ex whom you "totally hate" but still secretly cry over at night. I recognize that few people like to listen to the same Clapton song on repeat for half an hour like I do, so I won't do it, but if you want to listen to some shit-dribble like Coldplay or Maroon 5, how about you drive... and I'll meet you there.

Sometimes I want to tell my girl friends (in this case, girl acquaintances) that posting promiscuous pictures of themselves on Facebook and trading the sluttiest possible Text From Last Night entries with friends is really fucking uncute. It translates to the following: "Hi, I'm Allie :) This is me bent over a barstool while I was waaaaaasted last weekend. And this how I look after a night of clubbing when I have to carry my heels and make sure my vagina isn't hanging out of my dress. Hey Tiff, remember that night we did blow off a strange guy's dick and woke up covered in semen and our own vomit? That was fun, right?" I am all about female empowerment. You wanna get shitfaced, take pictures and sleep with whatever guy hasn't lost all respect for you? Awesome. But if you present yourself as a whore, don't get mad when others treat you like a whore.

Sometimes I want to tell my girl friends (sometimes the same ones as above) that constantly whining on social media sites about how "guys are shit" and how they'll "never find love" drives me absolutely batshit crazy. At some point, everyone is found undesirable by someone they want to bang. But you need to get over it. Reminding Facebook that once upon a time one person found you unattractive makes you unattractive to everyone. Maybe no one will ever love you because instead of owning your faults and trying to fix them, you broadcast yourself as a hung-up mess who will never change.

Sometimes I want to remind arrogant people that generally, the more followers you have on Twitter, the less friends you have in real life. Your house/job/car does not make you interesting. The amount of people you sleep with does not make you a good lover.

Sometimes I want to tell guys at the gym that they look like closeted douche bags. I want to tell them to stop lubing up with vaseline before workouts because even though it makes their muscles really pop out against their V-neck tank top, it also makes the machines gross. I want to tell people that if I can hear their shitty music over my obviously superior music, it's too loud. I want to tell ladies in the locker room that no, you cannot borrow my hair brush BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW YOU and that's how people get lice, you dirty bitch.

Sometimes I count the family stick figure stickers on the back of mini-vans so I know how many people I could possibly injure when I lose it and rear-end them for cutting me off on the interstate.

Sometimes I want to tell the people dating my best friends or siblings that they are pathetic pieces of selfish shit. I want to remind them that I will be around longer than they will.

Sometimes I want to freak out and tell someone I like, or maybe even love, that their favorite movie is garbage, their shoes are stupid, their haircut is awful, the way they end every sentence with "ya know?" is unbelievably annoying and I will never, ever like Glee so stop trying to get me to watch it.

But I don't. And believe me, it's not because I am a good person. I'm usually not the bigger person.

I would just hate if it were reciprocated. I do stupid things. I do annoying things. I am long-winded when telling stories and sometimes forget my point half way through. I post cryptic things on Facebook meant as a sideways attack to someone I know will read it. I dance on the elliptical on the gym because I am usually listening to dubstep. I am extremely assertive and I forget sometimes that people at the end of my unsavory, foulmouthed rants have feelings too. I take Law & Order: SVU way too seriously. My room is always a mess. I get drunk when I'm upset and push people away when they are trying to help. I listen to the White Stripes even though it's not cool to like them. And although it wouldn't ruin my day, it would suck if someone I like, or maybe even love, told me that my bangs are stupid, I shouldn't be such a raging bitch, the way I laugh is unsettling and I should quit leaving wet towels laying around after a shower.

Live and let live? Maybe.

"To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others." -Albert Camus.