Proof that 5 hour energy shots can be substituted for sleep almost successfully.

Have you ever thought about the fact that what you say does not always align with what you mean, but you say it anyway because you are caught up in the colloquial quagmire of the English language? For instance, you might announce to your friends that you need to take a shit, in the same way that you might take a piss. But are you actually taking anything in these activities? No. You are actually giving something away, losing it in fact. Yes, these resources are easily replenished, but there is no taking done on your part. And why don’t we take a vomit? It is a similar action to crapping or peeing, as you are depositing a substance into what is hopefully a toilet, but we do not take vomits. I think this has to do with the undesirable nature of vomit, but then again, who wants shit and piss?


I have a similar intrigue with the word “like.” We can like something, as in “I really like 5 hour energy shots,” but we can also “be like” something as a means of expression. Example: “I thought I could get some sleep, but then I was like, no, that can’t happen tonight.” Instead of saying or screaming or asking, we can just be like. You know, someone at work tonight was like “How long are you open?” and I was like “The kitchen is closed but you can still get a beer” and she was like “Oh ok, I guess I’ll go to McDonald’s.” And then she was like all mad and I was like whatever. I was like whatever. What the hell does that even fucking mean!? It means nothing. Humans are the smartest creature on the planet and we use our cognitive powers to string together words in such a way that they mean absolutely NOTHING and we routinely incorporate such phrases into our interactions with others. And if they don’t get it, it’s like, whoa.

Some clichés are annoying at best but some are completely fucking nonsense. The last time I saw my old boss he was high as a kite. This means that the last time I saw him, he had snorted his weight in coke and was on a one way train to Fuckedville, population him. But high as a kite, really? At best, the highest a kite goes is maybe 100 feet. And that’s what we compare a really high person too? How about “high as an airplane” or something a little more substantial than a measly kite. 100 feet? I’m higher than that on my fourth floor apartment. And I’m dead sober. Don’t me started on dead sober. But I will sound off on “dumb as a post.” Look, posts have legitimate uses. You can tie a horse to a post. You can build a fence on posts. Mailboxes typically go on what? Oh yeah, a post. So why is a post the standard for being dumb? I guess it’ll always be too soon for “dumb as Helen Keller.”

Now, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this one for a while now. “Expect the unexpected.” If you do, in fact, learn to expect the unexpected, doesn’t that make the once unexpected event completely expected at this point? And are you not wasting your time now? They should just change it to “expect everything that way you’re not screwed.” And who the hell are “they” anyway? The mythical “they” have single handedly come up with every cliché saying ever. What piece of trite, semi-profound advice doesn’t start with “you know what they say…”? Yeah, it all does. Which makes me wonder, is this some type of committee I can get in on? I have a bone to pick with the They Committee and some of their completely asinine sayings. One that particularly irks me is that they say you shouldn’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Well, what if I only have one basket? Should I make multiple trips, or forgo the basket idea and carry them by hand? And what about the Styrofoam egg cartoons? Usually one of those is sufficient to hold all the eggs I need at one time. Help me, Almighty They, for I am completely fucking lost without your infinite wisdom. And God forbid I count all my chickens before they hatch. Since when is a little inventory frowned upon? What is so bad about quality control? And why are They so obsessed with poultry!? Freaks.

The new commercials for Frosted Mini Wheats really freak me out. You know, the one where a – I don’t even know what to call it – Wheat square helps people out during their daily activities. It’s usually some guy at a dead end job or a kid in a classroom. So these squares hang out and have conversations with the supposed consumers of Frosted Mini Wheats. I guess that’s reasonable…if you drop acid with breakfast. I don’t understand most cereal mascots. The Trix rabbit? Tony the Tiger? What the hell do they have to do with cereal? And whatever happened to Captain Crunch? He pretty much fell off the face of the advertising planet. I think it has to do with the fact that there is nothing nautical, at all, about crunch berries. They do not come from the sea, nor do they need governing on a sea fairing vessel, so I don’t see why some genius marketing team decided that a jolly old captain was the best choice as a mascot for a tasty cereal. I wonder what he’s doing now in these hard economic times. I miss him. I hope he found a good job, something in his field of expertise. If he shows up on “Deadliest Catch” I will take a shit on myself.

La Fin.