A comprehensive guide to replacing caulk.

It happens. Old houses are weird and sometimes things spring a leak while you are gone for five hours. Never mind that you work from home and are kind of a hermit these days (comparatively) so OF COURSE something like this is going to happen during the only consecutive five hours you are gone THE ENTIRE WEEK.

So, your water intake hose for the toilet in the master bathroom sprung a leak. No big deal. When you get home from your five hours (your only five fucking hours) out dancing and drinking to find yourself squish-squishing across your bathroom floor, you're gonna wanna miraculously think to turn the water off and then throw three towels and the thinnest bedsheet you own at the problem and deal with it the next day.

Alright. Now you're going to Google some shit. You're going to learn the name of the piece that is leaking and learn how to measure different things so you can buy a new one. You're gonna be smart and take the part with you to Lowe's so you make sure to get the right thing but also you're going to leave it right on the kitchen counter instead. You'll say "fuck it" because you read that there are only two possible options to buy (7/8 and something else because you suck at fractions) so you just think you'll buy both parts and return the one that doesn't fit. If you're lucky like me, you only roll into stores three deep these days because you are usually with your sister and her boyfriend, so you'll confidently trade "I think this looks right" words of affirmation with Sister's Boyfriend and get on your way. Don't forget to buy a ceiling fan on the way out because that is definitely something you need to do right then.

Sister's Boyfriend will replace the leaky hose for you because he is sweet and mechanically inclined and you asked him nicely. He is also good at replacing doorknobs, which you found out a few weeks ago.

Okie dokie, now that that's done, you'll notice that the lake you unwittingly created and left in your bathroom overnight has caused some of the decades-old caulk to come loose around the base of the toilet. NO BIG DEAL, my friend. It's easy to replace yourself and I'm going to lay some caulk-strong knowledge on you right now.

1. Timing is everything so make sure to start at a convenient time like, oh, less than 12 hours before you're hosting a family gathering at your house. 2 AM is what worked for me, but you can be flexible here.

2. Watch one and a half YouTube videos and read a WikiHow article. Congrats. You're an expert.

3. Gather your tools. This includes your beer (you've already had a few, let's be honest) and your phone charger because your phone is dying and you need music for this project. Struggle with getting it to play via casting to your tv because despite being good at your technology job you suck at technology.

4. Choose the right caulk for the job. I chose the caulk and caulk gun that my mom left on her front porch for me to pick up because I don't own any of those things.

5. Okay, so after cleaning the area thoroughly (because why not, you've been cleaning all day) you may notice that the bolts on either side of the toilet are loose. Use a wrench to tighten. Oh, did I say wrench? I meant pliers that are ill-equipped but efficient enough to do the damn thing because you used to own several wrenches but they all mysteriously vanished a few months ago when someone moved out. And while it happens less and less often, you still occasionally reach for something you know was there only to find it missing. Stuff like dish soap and your Grandmother's cookbook. It's the shittiest Easter egg hunt ever.

6. Remember all the expert knowledge you learned from your one and a half videos and that article you skimmed? Disregard anything that seems inconvenient or too time-consuming. The Science Fair is tomorrow and we need to get started on this volcano!

7. Immediately regret not putting tape on the floor. Fuck.

8. No, no, it's okay. You got this. It's oddly like icing a cake except you can't eat the frosting and licking the bowl would be disgusting. Slather way to much caulk around and then use one of the seven old washcloths you brought in with you to clean up as you go. It's really not that bad.

9. Realize you are wiping up excess caulk with a Scooby Doo washcloth and get sad. Why didn't this get packed up with the wrench? Quick, think about something else.

10. Hey remember the time your Grandmother fell in this very bathroom and you were the one to find her and you had to call 911? Remember how that was sort of the beginning of the end and she died three months later?

11. What's worse? When someone dies or when someone is dead to you?

12. Don't forget to smooth out any weird lumps or air bubbles. 

13. The cider you are drinking is way too sweet for this job so I recommend switching back to Mich Ultra here. Just kidding, you drank all the Ultra while you were mopping earlier.

14. Okay that should do it. And if not, remember: you don't have to let people use this bathroom tomorrow. Sure, the caulk may not be dry but also because your bedroom is a visual disaster that pretty accurately represents how you are fighting tooth and nail to keep your depression at bay.

15. Blog about it because you need to laugh. Don't proofread because you are a DIY rebel.

16. Fuck you, Bob Vila.